*|MC_PREVIEW_TEXT|*
View this email in your browser (*|ARCHIVE|*)
Mini series 4.2: if one more person tells me to meditate instead of buy something I’m going to prison for murder.
A VERY QUICK RECAP of our current newsletter series:
The four main reasons we feel like we can’t stop spending money:
1. We aren’t giving ourselves permission to spend.
2. We’re filling an emotional need.
3. We’re in crisis and everything is tumbling in a heap so may as well ignore it for now
4. ‘Just one more week of this and then I’ll sort my budget out‘
Onwards with part 2: when we’re trying to fill an emotional need
We have to dip and dive in this piece because there are a few moving parts. Put your safety harnesses on, this one is giving roller coaster energy.
Thread 1:
Let me say this RIGHT up front. I don’t actually think emotional spending is inherently bad. As part of a self management toolkit, it can actually be very helpful.
Thread 2:
‘Spending emotionally’ normally comes down to one of two things:
1. We’re reacting to an emotional need
2. We’re avoiding an emotional response
Thread 3:
Often it’s very difficult to work out what emotion we’re actually feeling. I was listening to Rising Strong as a Spiritual Practice by Brené Brown (literally the only person for whom I would listen to a book with the words ‘spiritual practice‘ in it), and Brené was talking about how most adults can only identify three emotions – anger, happiness, and sadness. However, to develop in ourselves and our relationships, we need to have a ‘vocabulary‘ of at least 30 emotions.
Fucking yikes.
Have you ever been feeling bad and you know you are PROPER stroppy and you can’t quite seem to work out what’s going on? Or you’re weepy and drowning in some sort of sadness? Happens to me all the time.
I actually think it’s easier to work out the underlying emotion when we’re happy and buoyant (proud, excited, satisfied, smug).
I’ve been recently practicing pulling apart my emotions and testing specific words against them to see what fits. Sounds wishy washy, but when I get it right, I either feel a mental ‘click’, or I start to cry.
Because once I can name the emotion, I can start to work out what I actually need that is going to help, rather than pick a strategy in hope or avoidance. Sometimes that IS spending. Sometimes it’s washing my hair, sometimes it’s walking, often it’s a nap.
Sewing the threads together:
Here are three very basic examples from the last few days.
Emotional need: I had a horror week of uni and body image and general LIFE and was feeling very ‘empty’ and depleted (empty is a feeling, fight me). I went and got a burrito because I needed to feel full and warm. Nailed it, excellent use of both eating and spending emotionally.
Avoiding an emotional response: I was heading to Sydney (will have been and gone by the time this goes out, actually) with some incredible, iconic uni friends, most of whom I haven’t met before and all of whom are absolutely drop dead gorgeous. Long story short I traumatised myself for an entire weekend trying to buy new jeans because I’ve been living in my $15 placeholder jeans ( I bought jeans from Kmart until I bought proper ones – over a year ago…). Why? Because I was trying to avoid processing how bloody unworthy I felt hanging out with those stunning bitches. I did need jeans, but I was buying them under my own emotional pressure.
Emotional need: was feeling SO overwhelmed and chaotic, didn’t know where to start or what to do. List was INSANE. What I needed was to tidy my spaces, and sure enough after that I could think.
Embroidery:
Rather than trying to quit emotional spending, consider trying to bring some genuine curiosity into what you are feeling – either when you KNOW you about to make a bad coping decision, or just generally. I tend to try and do it in the shower or when I’m driving, so feel free to give that a go. Have a google for ‘emotion wheel’, that will really get the adjectives going.
And if spending money is what you need, then you can do it with way less guilt, because you’ve both acknowledged the emotion, and identified that spending is what you need (rather than a close-enough attempt).
PS I don’t get it right all the time, and you shouldn’t expect yourself to either. That’s why they call it a PRACTICE.
Yours in chaos,
“Can’t swim, but I’m not going to drown, jump in and I’ll figure it out. Stupid, but i’m running my mouth like I don’t have a doubt what I’m talking about”
― Silver and Gold, Yung Bae (ft Sam Fischer & Pink Sweat$)
** Keep the best for the middle.
————————————————————
What’s in the middle of this burrito?
Ask Pippin, she took a literal bite out of it.
Hope you like chipotle, little demon.
** Bookshelf
————————————————————
This is a strange book to describe, and a HECTIC one to read.
Absolute icon finds out her husband is having an affair and goes on like a patriarchy burning rampage, but at great cost to her and her friends.
It was a bit white girl upper class feminism, but was meaty and gritty and absolutely twisty turny. I was clutching my steering wheel with bombastic side eye at times.
Highly recommend in spite of a lack of diversity and a couple of too long rants. Plus she calls her cat ‘treacherous pea’ – simply mood/10.
** Obsession Confession
————————————————————
I had to change this as the OC I had was about someone who’s now had a sexual harassment case come up and that isn’t in good taste.
Please see my current favourite meme instead.
https://facebook.com/ https://instagram.com/ https://twitter.com/
Copyright (C) *|CURRENT_YEAR|* *|LIST:COMPANY|*. All rights reserved.
*|IFNOT:ARCHIVE_PAGE|**|LIST:DESCRIPTION|**|END:IF|*
Our mailing address is:
*|IFNOT:ARCHIVE_PAGE|**|LIST_ADDRESS|**|END:IF|*
Want to change how you receive these emails?
You can update your preferences (*|UPDATE_PROFILE|*) or unsubscribe (*|UNSUB|*)
http://eepurl.com/isXdto